in their own words

I’m non-binary, but that doesn’t mean I like it when my best friend calls me “it.” Even though I tell her that it's offensive and that I don't like it, she continues to do so.

For the first few years I was figuring out my gender identity, I kept my confusion and struggle to myself. I was afraid to tell others because I didn’t know how to explain that I didn’t feel like a girl and I didn’t think anyone would be able to understand. I was alone in my own world.

So it was a big shock to my best friend when, four years into our friendship, I came out as non-binary. I remember explaining non-binary as not female, and not male.

Her reply was “Oh, so you’re an 'it?'”

I was heartbroken. It had taken me a lot of breakdowns, soul-searching, and self-validation to identify a gender I was comfortable with. And she just keeps doing it.

Every time my friend calls me “it,” even as a joke, it feels like she is betraying my trust.

I remember a time she yelled at me, "Shut up, you're a girl!"

Perplexed and hurt, I defended myself. "What are you talking about? No, I'm not." I began to re-explain myself to her.

She interrupted. “Yeah, I know.” Then, she dropped the conversation.

Despite her ignorance, I won't end our friendship. We met as seventh graders and have helped each other grow. As a kid, I was moody, rude, and obnoxious. I had a big mouth and would say whatever was on my mind, especially if it was to judge someone else. Yet, she saw past that and appreciated me for who I was. Even when I pushed her away, she stuck to me like peanut butter.

If it wasn’t for her, I would still be a brat. That’s why I value her so much, but that’s also why it hurts that she can’t understand my gender identity. Or if she does, she doesn’t get that it’s not something I want her to joke about.

I want to have a sit-down conservation with her and say, “Whether you understand my gender identity or not, I feel disrespected and hurt when you call me ‘it.’ I feel like a foreign object, something that doesn’t belong, when you call me that. I’ve had people insult me using ‘it.’ There is nothing endearing about the word. I’m not asking, I’m demanding you stop using that word.”

I haven’t had the opportunity to have that talk with her yet, but I wish I didn’t have to have a conversation with her at all. I don’t like having to question where her mindset is. After all, she’s my best friend. She should have been taking me seriously from the start.

When we’re just hanging out, it’s not something I’m usually thinking about. It’s only when she says something ignorant that I have to wonder, “Damn. Is that really how you feel?”